That's Something You Don't See Every Day, Chauncey

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Posts Tagged ‘golf’

Do I detect the distinct aroma of burning pants?

Posted by kozemp on May 12, 2011

You ever see the promotional postcard that the TPC at Sawgrass sends out about how awesome their course is? The one that claims that 120,000 (that’s one hundred and twenty THOUSAND) balls a year are lost to the water at 17?

I saw that and instantly said “there is no goddamn way that’s true.”

Then I set out to PROVE that there’s no goddamn way it’s true.

To prove this, let’s do some neato-nifty Fermi math.

Now, let’s start off with some theoretical assumptions to maximize the number of balls that can possibly be whacked into the water on 17. First, we will assume that it never rains. In Florida this is admittedly extraordinarily unlikely, but that’s math for you. Secondly, we will assume that every professional golfer on earth is stricken with swine flu and thus there is no Players’ Championship in our rain-free year, so that we can thirdly assume the course is constantly in use by the maximum number of players at all possible times. Setting aside for the moment the possibility of people playing glow golf – which, while fun, I do not recommend in a state with alligators – the question of what constitutes people playing at all possible times becomes one of daylight.

So how much daylight are we talking about?

The TPC at Sawgrass is just past 30 degrees north Latitude.

The good folks at the University of Nebraska provide us with a very useful “Hours of Daylight by latitude” app.

A little Excel magic tells us that Ponte Vedra Beach gets, at a rough estimate, approximately 4,467 hours of daylight a year.

Going off the claim from the TPC that 120,000 golf balls go into the drink per year, we can calculate that for that number of balls to go in the water, 27 people per hour need to tee off at 17 and put their shot right into the drink. That’s once every 2.23 minutes.

So, under optimal conditions, for this postcard to be accurate someone has to put a ball in the water at 17 every 133 seconds for an entire year.

Given that our optimal conditions are completely, ridiculously, hilariously impossible, my conclusion is:

Fuck you and your lying-ass postcards, TPC at Sawgrass.



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Ah, Phil…

Posted by kozemp on June 22, 2009



Your tears are like sweet nectar.


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Another first for the First Among the Fallen

Posted by kozemp on June 8, 2009

I was watching The Memorial yesterday, and my dad walked in just after Tiger had birdied the 7th hole to go four under on the day.

“What’s happening?” he asked. 

I said,  “it’s over.”

Tiger was setting the course on fire and the entire field was backing up to him – the classic elements of a Tiger Sunday victory (though he’s never done it in a major Tiger has come from behind to win on tour 20 times).

On his approach shot on 17, the instant Tiger hit it my father shouted “WHOA that ball is up high!” I might have said “yow.” It dropped like a rock 10 feet from the hole and sat there. I said, faux-sarcastic, “yeah, he’s pretty good.”

When Tiger pulled out his 7-iron on 18 and stuck it to eleven inches from a buck-eighty my father just sat in stunned silence and I started muttering “no hope… no hope…” over and over again. I imagine the other 90 players who have so far qualified for this year’s US Open were doing much the same thing at that point.

Tiger Woods has returned, and the end is nigh.

In the past I have written extensively on my beliefs about Tiger’s origins and yesterday was another convincing bit of evidence to support my theory that Tiger Woods is the Devil. Even the poor bastard Tiger was playing with called it “the best golf I’ve ever seen.” Tiger hit 14 of 14 fairways yesterday. He only missed 5 fairways over the entire tournament. He hasn’t driven with that kind of accuracy in, well, technically 11 years, but in reality pretty much ever. Right now, if you’re playing at Bethpage in two weeks you’ve only got one thought in your head:


Before the Memorial you may have been thinking, “hey, I’ve got as good a shot at winning this as anyone. US Open rough, well, that will give everyone a chance.” Yeah, sorry about that, chief: if Tiger Woods is hitting every fairway your chance is gone baby gone. Frankly I don’t know why you’re going to bother even showing up. Do you know what Jones Beach traffic is like on a Saturday morning?

Until Sunday’s excerpt from the Book of Revelation my primary reaction to the Memorial was stunned incredulity. The course is, to put it mildly, ridiculous. I mean the tee shots and the fairways are very nice, but the approach shots and the greens are FUCKING INSANE. Every single one, if you don’t hit it to a very, very small part of the green, forget about it: you’re in two-putt city if you’re lucky. At one point yesterday Jonathan Byrd three-putted from inside 5 feet. And if you don’t hit the green, well, you might as well pick up your ball and go home. The greens are protected by bunkers and water and steep embankments and Aliens and shin-high rough, all screaming “HIT IT HERE AND GET FUCKED.” Guys still hit it there anyway. And oh BOY did they get fucked. At one point my father said “I’ve never seen professionals make so many double bogeys.” Davis Love (who my dad calls “Sticky” for reasons I will not describe) TRIPLE bogeyed 18, a fairly nondescript par 4. It was like the first spring Sunday morning at the Byrne – hack-o-rama.

Whether this was because the greens at Muirfield are modeled after a Cardassian internment camp or because once everyone saw Tiger shoot up the leaderboard they decided to fall on their sword and take the early flight home is a debatable point. Also debatable is whether the US Open just became more interesting or less. If you are the sort who despairs at Tiger’s continuing domination of all he surveys I suppose it just became a little less interesting. If, like, me, you enjoy watching Tiger methodically annihilate anything and everything in his path it just got considerably MORE interesting.

Actually, now that I think about it… 

I see the resemblance.

I see the resemblance.

Related? Could be, could be…


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