That's Something You Don't See Every Day, Chauncey

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Posts Tagged ‘x-men’

You don’t need a crystal ball to predict the obvious.

Posted by kozemp on July 12, 2013

Studio brass at 20th Century Fox are taking meetings with possible directors for their upcoming X-Force movie.

What follows is a transcript of every one of those meetings.

Director: So, I had some questions.

Fox: Sure, go ahead.

Director: This “Cable” person, who is he?

Fox: Ah, sure. See, Cable is Cyclops’ son.

Director: But he’s an old man.

Fox: Yes.

Director: And Cyclops isn’t in this movie.

Fox: No.

Director: So…

Fox: What happens is, Jean Grey dies. Kinda like she did in X-Men 2. Like that only, you know, again.

Director: Wait, she’s not in this either. Are we going to reuse the footage, or…

Fox: So Jean Grey dies. And then Mister Sinister –

Director: Who is THAT?

Fox: Mister Sinister creates a clone of Jean Grey called Maddie Pryor. And Scott falls in love with her. Maddie, I mean. For some reason.

Director: Again, none of this happens in this script –

Fox: Scott abandons Maddie and their baby to go off and form X-Factor –

Director: What the hell is X-Factor?!

Fox: And in her depressive state Maddie becomes possessed by a demon.

Director: <silence>

Fox: So when Jean Grey and the Phoenix Force finally manage to kill Maddie –

Director: But Jean Grey is dead. She died TWICE in the other movies! Never mind whatever the hell a Phoenix Force is.

Fox: Jean absorbs Maddie’s memories, or something.

Director: I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

Fox: And once Apocalypse learns that Cyclops and a clone of Jean Grey had a son –

Director: How does the apocalypse learn something? It’s a biblical event.

Fox: No, Apocalypse. With a capital “A.” The first mutant.

Director: With a captial “A.”

Fox: After Apocalypse lears about Scott and Maddie’s half-clone son, he infects it with the techno-organic virus –

Director: WHAT IS A TECHNO-ORGANIC VIRUS? WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Fox: And then Askani shows up.

Director: I don’t even care who that is.

Fox: Askani is Cyclops and Jean Grey’s daughter from an alternate dimension who lives 2,000 years in the future of THIS dimension.

Director: <begins loading handgun>

Fox: Askani shows up and says she can cure the baby by taking him into the future, only Scott and Jean will never see the baby again.

Director: Why would Jean, who is somehow alive, care about never seeing her clone’s baby?

Fox: So Askani takes the baby into the future, and then even though she said they’d never see it again, she takes Scott and Jean’s minds into the future and they raise the baby for twelve years under assumed names.

Director: I – I don’t –

Fox: And the baby grows up to be Cable. Who then travels BACK in time to kill Apocalypse, who rules the world 2,000 years in the future.

Director: Please stop.

Fox: Which, the whole traveling back to the present from the future to kill Apocalypse, who is 3,000 years old now and rules the world 2,000 years in the future, was why Mister Sinister –

Director: Still don’t know who that is.

Fox: Which is why Mister Sinister created Maddie Pryor in the first place. So she’d give birth to Cable. Who is an old man who leads a group of teenage mutant terrorists. Oh, and half of his body is made of metal and one of his eyes is a flashlight.

Director: Don’t ever fucking call me again.

 

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I could be the good guy.

Posted by kozemp on January 8, 2012

I was involved in a conversation on Facebook about Jean Grey.

I realize that some people will read that sentence and feel an urgent need to bail on this whole thing right now, so I’ll pause here for a minute to give them the opportunity to do so.

So, yes: there was a discussion, of which I was a part, about Jean Grey. A point was made that Jean Grey is pretty awesome. Now I had thought that this point was so blatantly, unassailably obvious that no one would even bother voicing disagreement.

Problem is, someone did not disagree – I mean, how could you? – but made a corollary statement so reprehensible, so unthinkable, so simply and fundamentally WRONG that had Cthulhu himself heard it he would have replied, “dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

This statement was:

“Emma rocks.”

Oh no.

Oh, HELL no.

Emma Frost does not rock. Not even a little. And even if she did – which she fucking well does not – Emma Frost does not compare to Jean Grey. Emma Frost is to Jean Grey what… you know what, I don’t even need the SAT analogy question. Emma Frost is to Jean Grey what Emma goddamn Frost is to Jean Grey. They are not even remotely comparable, and I will give you ten reasons why.

REASON THE FIRST: COLOR THEORY

Jean Grey is a redhead. Emma Frost is a blonde. I have nothing against blondes, and have historical records to prove this, but in terms of pure hotness they lag behind redheads. I mean, that’s just science.

The only way, in a purely physical sense, that Jean Grey could be any hotter would be if she were a tall, curvy brunette, and yes, people in the back raising their eyebrows right now and muttering “I don’t think THAT part is science,” I can hear you.

This 100% scientific fact, conveniently, segues nicely into my next point.

REASON THE SECOND: THE PERFECT MATE

In the movies, Jean Grey is played by Famke Janssen. Famke Janssen is incredibly hot. This, again, is science, and the fact that she is a tall, curvy brunette is pure coincidence.

In addition to being incredibly hot, Famke Janssen is also incredibly awesome. Think about the things you’ve seen Famke Janssen in: Goldeneye. Rounders. The first two X-Men movies (i.e the good ones). That one TNG episode. When you think about that stuff, invariably the first thing you think of is, “man, Famke Janssen was awesome in that.” If you watch the end of X2 and don’t cry like a little girl at Jean’s death scene, well, I’m pretty sure you aren’t human. And I once read an interview with the writers of Rounders where the first question – I am not making this up – is “why didn’t Mike have sex with Petra?”

If your movie stars Matt Damon, and Ed Norton, and John Malkovich, and John Tuturro, and is single-handedly responsible for jump-starting a multibillion dollar industry, and the first question you get asked is “shouldn’t that guy have fucked Famke Janssen,” you are talking about a woman who leaves a fairly indelible mark.

Jean Grey is played by Famke Janssen.

Emma Frost is played by January Jones.

I don’t think I need to elaborate any further THERE, do I?

REASON THE THIRD: ADMIRABLE PERSISTENCE

No, seriously, January Jones. EOL.

REASON THE FOURTH: IN WHICH I ELABORATE FURTHER

January Jones! For chrissakes! She’s AWFUL. She’s awful in EVERYTHING. Like everyone else, I used to think it was just Betty, that the problem was that she was playing the worst character on television. Alas, this is not the case. She is wretchedly unlikeable and awful in everything. EVERYTHING. Yes, even Love Actually. I know, right? You think, “wait, that can’t be, Love Actually is a perfect movie!” And every year I agree with you, and spend a whole year in anticipation of watching a perfect film, and then every December I (and you) get to that scene and say, “oh, fuck me, I forgot January Jones is in this.”

When your ass is getting blown out of the water acting-wise by Ivana Milecevic and Elisha Cuthbert – Elisha Cuthbert! – you have serious problems, and their names are all “I am a terrible actress.” I even watched that shitty Liam Neeson movie she was in – I legitimately cannot remember the name of it now, and refuse to look it up – and she’s fucking terrible in THAT.

And First Class, Jesus Christ in a handcart, don’t even get me started on that. In First Class her performance brings every scene she’s in to a screeching halt. I believe Damon Lindelof, after viewing First Class, said it best: “turns out Emma Frost has three mutant powers: telepathy, diamond form, and sucking at acting.”

Famke Janssen > January Jones. That is all.

REASON THE FIFTH: I’M THE BEST THERE IS AT WHAT I DO

Wolverine, if you weren’t aware, has been secretly-or-not-so-secretly in love with Jean Grey since time immemorial. This has been played up and down in the comics over the years, and was played very nicely and poignantly in the first two movies, until BRETT FUCKING RATNER showed up in the third movie and decided to turn something nice and poignant into just one more sledgehammer to bludgeon the audience with.

BRETT FUCKING RATNER plays the end of X3 as “Wolverine has to kill Jean because his powers will let him survive!” No, dickface, Logan has to kill Jean because he’s the only person left alive who still loves her after you cockmongers killed off Cyclops because he made a movie with Bryan Singer, and that’s how the goddamn story has to end.

The point of all this being that Wolverine is, pound for pound, basically the most awesome thing in the entire universe, and HE wants to fuck Jean Grey. If you’re the most amazing thing in the universe and there’s someone other than yourself that you want to have sex with, that person must, by definition, be pretty goddamn amazing.

Once again, this leads nicely into my next point, which is…

REASON THE SIXTH: SERIOUSLY, NO ONE LIKES YOU

The only person who wants to have sex with Emma Frost is Cyclops, and…

REASON THE SEVENTH: I’M DEALING WITH MOTHER TERESA HERE

Jean Grey’s greatest and most important mutant power is the ability to put up with Cyclops. Yes. Tolerating Scott Summers is more impressive than turning into a giant flaming space monster and using your mind to destroy an entire galaxy.

I’m sure we’ve all noticed this, but just in case you haven’t, Scott Summers is a gigantic douche.

Let’s see: you are a handsome and affluent white male. You are highly intelligent. You are in physical shape that would make Olympic athletes weep with jealousy. Though they are admittedly of somewhat limited use you have SUPER POWERS. You live in an ultra-mansion in Westchester County where, and this really cannot be stressed enough, you are the LEADER OF A TEAM OF SUPER HEROES who kick 14 kinds of ass across MULTIPLE GALAXIES AND PARALLEL UNIVERSES. One of your brothers is (or was, I haven’t entirely kept up) a government secret agent, the other is an Emperor, for chrissakes, and your father is a PIRATE WITH A SPACESHIP.

And all. You do. Is WHINE. You whine constantly about how hard your life is.

Oh, and, lest I forget: your wife is a smoking hottie who is one of the most powerful beings in the universe. Who, more importantly than being one of the most powerful beings in the universe, puts up with your whiny bullshit. Loves you, even!

Seriously, every time I see Cyclops I just… I don’t even want to punch him in the face. I want to kick him in the junk. And this, Jean Grey marries.

She’s not a mutant. She’s a goddamn saint.

REASON THE EIGHTH: SHE’S ONLY MOSTLY DEAD

The reason that stuck-up douche Cyclops even gets to think about Emma Frost is because his wife has the unfortunate habit of dying, and in the periods where she temporarily shuffles off our mortal coil, in his grief, Scott chooses to fuck the blonde chick dressed like a prostitute who hangs around the mansion because everyone else on earth hates her.

But wait, you say, temporarily? That means…

Yes. Jean Grey dies a lot, but that’s not really a big deal because Jean Grey always comes back to life. She scoffs in the face of death. Seriously. She’s died, what, five or six times now? When she died at the end of Morrison’s X-Men run, did you say “ZOMG JEAN DIED!” No. Of course not. You’re not stupid (like Emma Frost). You calmly sat back and said, “well, of course Jean died. That’s what Jean does.” And, if what she does is die repeatedly, then by extension something else she must do is always come back to life. It’s incredible. Doomsday, whose stated superpower is coming back to life, looks at Jean Grey and says, “wow, that chick is pretty amazing. And hot, though it wouldn’t kill her to darken to a nice brunette.”

Emma Frost is a slut who turns into a rock and reads minds (turns out most people near her are thinking “wow she looks like a slut”). Jean Grey is a dignified schoolteacher who is IMMUNE TO DEATH.

REASON THE NINTH: I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

January Jones. Seriously, man, January fucking Jones.

REASON THE TENTH: BRAINY IS THE NEW SEXY

Let me be honest for the barest picosecond here: guys who are smart and competent, despite public approval of cheerleaders and fashion models and Britney Spears, like women who are also smart and competent. The smarter and more competent the better.

Bearing that in mind, let’s see:

Jean Grey graduated from a prestigious and selective private school, can fly a jet, teaches children, has a level of sheer patience with whiny douchebags unparalleled in human history and, oh yeah, can’t die and is the most powerful telekinetic in the universe.*

Emma Frost was Sebastian Shaw’s girl Friday.

IN SUMMARY…

One of these women exudes class and brains and competence. The other is Emma Frost.

JLK

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Barring, possibly, the son of her demonically-possessed clone who was raised two thousand years in the future, but that’s another show.

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